My Lenten Diary: week 4
I am feeling lonely again. I am heart broken. Today in Catechism class we were taught conspiracy theories that come out of the The Prothetical Of The Elders Of Zion, which is an anti-Semitic book and has nothing to do with the Catechism or the Catholic Church. In class, these conspiracy theories were being taught as if they were true even though no evidence was presented. I am horrified at the incident and i now feel that i can't trust the Church i go to. Nevertheless, i continue fasting but i have stopped praying. Instead, i am tempted to forget about Easter and go with Passover instead. If i head to a synagogue, at least i will not have to put up with the paranoid rantings from some crazy person. At least it was not the priests that were teaching this rubbish. I must admit, the whole thing has put me off. Faith is treated like a big joke by most people who are just looking down their noses at us and when i do meet people that think they have faith i realise they are just a crazy that is more interested in conspiracy theories than the actual word of God. I find it difficult to respect the crazies even though i know i should be praying for them. The truth is that i know that they are the reason that people don't take the faith seriously. This lent has done nothing for my faith and now i have a head full of ideas about going back to Judaism.
I woke up this morning disturbed by a dream. The dream had a lot of mettle in it and transportation. There was worry over a bike and excitement over a spaceship. At the end of the dream, i heard a voice saying something and there was a notice on a tree. I awoke with the word 'lifeguard' in my mind and feeling of charity. The hunger feelings have subsided and given into a hunger for God's Holy Kingdom hear on Earth. As a result, I hate this world more and more. Everything about it is wrong! The people have become heartless and selfish to the point that any objection to selfishness is preached against from the pool pit. What i am saying is that even the preachers and the priests are preaching against a peaceful existence for all because they only care about their own comfort. Massively overweight priests stand up in front of people in Church and on the internet and instead of peaching a message of the good news they whinge like a baby! It is obvious that they are depressed and love misery! If they only new how to find comfort in God instead of food they would be happy. This is why we fast; it is the point in detaching from the world so that we find more comfort in God and not the things of the world.
As we move into Passover my attentions turn to our Jewish neighbours. I like Passover because of the education it offers and the way it forces me to think more about different recopies. I also like the way it makes we more grateful for what i have. It must have been horrible for the Israelites in Egypt and the whole Seder meal explains it. We are so lucky i think to myself and that is when i think i should have more compassion for others. No of us have any idea what other people are going through so if they want to whinge: let them. Who am i to judge a priest if he feels the need to whinge away.
Easter is days away now. I have kept to the fast and feel better for it. Thursday is Maundy Thursday then we have Good Friday followed by Easter Sunday and Easter Monday. This week is Holy week and it started with Palm Sunday where i claimed my palm cross and got it blessed in the service. I feel much better, but the fasting has revealed that grumpiness underneath. Nonetheless, after praying about it, i find myself baking and feeling happy. I also keep thinking of working in a souvenir shop in a museum or Cathedral. This leaves me with the question, should i make baking a hobby and look for work in a catholic book shop?
I have to continue with my studies and try to plan a live that is pleasing to God. All i can do is pray more about this, but at least i have a hobby that seems right. I used to like baking with my Nan.
The whether this week has improved greatly! I even managed to get out for a walk in a remote part of the countryside. I still find it difficult to mix with people.
I pray that God will guide me into the correct job soon.