My Lenten Diary: Week 2

Written by  McDonald, T.  |  Date 9th of March 2021

Lent is a time of fasting and repenting.  It is a time of simple clothing and simple foods.  Most will give more and pray more during the Lenten period.  As we get deeper into Lent, we deepen our faith in Jesus turning to Him more for comfort.  Although this is a sombre time of year, it can greatly increase our trust in God.  

Attacks On The Christian Church

Early this week, i have found it difficult to ignore the attacks on the Christian Church.  Mostly, it is an attempt to silence the Christian Church.  Many people have had their posts removed from different social media platforms or even been banned!  This Lent has been the hardest i have ever had.  I really do feel that we are under attack from foreign nations and pro-communists and i believe that Satan is ultimately behind it all.

Something Feels Wrong

Nothing feels right, so i try cleaning everything but it doesn't change how i feel.  I really get the feeling that a deeper clean is needed within the Church.  As i try to pray, the things that people have said about the Church and the heresy that even some Priests have spoken comes to mind and i am left with the feeling that this truly is the end of sanity.  I don't feel safe anywhere and then that feeling of loneliness comes back mixed with fear.  It feels like there is a snake around the phone, a dragon outside and a lion in the house.  No where is safe and their is no one to call that can help.  I live in a Godless country that has no idea of what to do; it has no moral guide.  There is not even any moral teaching except from twisted immoral minds!  The Church is afraid to speak out against the evil that walks the streets and teaches in the schools.  Even social media has become a dangerous place where we must speak throw a flower or face the ever increasing severity of the consequences to speaking the truth.  I have begun to feel i am living in a dictatorship that is edging closer to banning the Church altogether unless it agrees to change its teaching, which it can't.  Some people seem hypnotised by the evil adding to the belief that this evil is indeed supernatural.  

Helplessness 

This Lent has left me feeling helpless.  I call out to God but i feel that i have made such a mess of my life that even God can't help.  Jesus please help me, a sinner.  I just keep crying while i am praying. I don't even feel better after.  As much as i would like to say otherwise, i can't help it i feel i am in a dreadful place while the memories of being young bubble up from the back of my mind. Some of these memories should be fun happy memories, but they are more like torture. I miss my family so much and i need to see them but i can't because they are all dead.  The memories, childhood memories, of being with my family are so strong that it is like actually being back there with them even if it is just for a brief amount of time.  I now it sounds odd, or maybe you could understand when i say that these memories have started to wonder around the house like ghosts.  I do, in fact, feel almost haunted be them and i wonder if they knew how much i loved them when they were alive.  Did they know?  Am i haunted like this because i failed to adequately express my love for them?  I have taken the praying the rosary and chaplets almost all the time today.  It seems that our Lord has got me thinking of not just my family, but people i used to go to school with.  Have you ever looked up old friends on social media?  If so how did it go?  Was it a good thing?  As a pray endlessly, i remember the bullies too.  They made me feel so anxious that i would feel ill and not go to school.  That horrible sickening feeling in my stomach; that feeling of dread.  The very idea of meeting them in school and dealing with there unwanted company and unwanted feelings they invoked in me.  It was the same feeling i would have when i would have to leave my Mum on Sunday evening to go back to my Dad's and it is the same feeling that i have now.  I didn't fear going home i just hated leaving my Mum and then dealing with some bully at school or being told to explain my behaviour.  My Nan would say: 'Can't you see that the boy is missing his Mother?' But it was more than missing someone it was a feeling of helplessness.  Hail Mary full of grace...i start to pray again.

Maybe these difficult feelings i am having are yet another temptation.  The temptation to lay down and submit to the unhappiness.  As i pray the chaplet of divine mercy, i remember to not become despondent, nor give in to despair, but trust with complete confidence in His Holy will for that is love and mercy itself.  At one point, i began to wonder if i done trust in God; could a lack of trust be the reason why i worry so much?  My fear is that we will head at an ever increasing speed into a country that is void of God.  I worry that the schools will be come anti God instead of teaching about God and the Holy bible in the schools.  I feel that the Romans are coming to get Jesus and i want to defend Him with the sword if necessary!  I worry that it is God's intention to leave the UK and other Western countries and i worry at what that might mean.  I look around at how people have become desensitised to the sin and see it as normal and good and i think of the verses in Isaiah 5:20-21,

"Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;
Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness;
Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes,
And prudent in their own sight!"

I then move back to the idea of trusting in God.  God is in control and something will happen.  Maybe people will return to God and open their arms to Jesus.  Everyday i pray that Sunday trading be banned and that we re-establish Sunday as a national day of worship. As a nation we must resist the temptation to head in a Godless direction.  Over the years many have warned about communism and with good reason, but neither do i want a capitalist society that is as Godless as communism.  I miss Fulton Sheen! He would be saying something.  Where are the heroes of our time to speak out against a Godless nation? Could that hero be you? 

Please let me know about your experiences because i like it when you do that. If you could like and share this with your friends that would be great.  Don't forget to subscribe if you want more.